Touhou: the Unofficial Anime  Season 1
by Inverseman
Summary: What if ZUN did make a Touhou anime. What studio would he go to? And what if he wanted revenge on the "secondary fans" who never knew the games, how about Williams Street? Fans in Japan saying "WHERE'S MAH TOUHOU SUBS?" for some English anime hybrid.


Episode 1: Pilot

"Need… Money… Need… Donations…" Reimu groans in agony in front of the Hakurei shrine, her empty donation box in hand. Seeing this sorry sight, Marisa flies in on her broom.

"I don't get it, man, why don't you just ask for donations. There's gotta be someone willing to follow you enough to spare a few hundred yen," Marisa requests

"Okay, how about you then?" Reimu grumbles, body and face now planted into the ground

"Sorry, I'm just an ordinary human magician, I make no money to tithe in the first place ze~"

"So says the girl who owns enough precious things through ill-gotten gains to buy a small country"

"Hey, I don't 'own' them! I just borrow things and never return them! Ehehehe Oh hey! Is that Suika?" Marisa quickly changes the topic to something less damning, stuffing some stolen spellbooks back into a satchel.

"Would you look at that? First thieves and now freeloaders" Reimu mopes.

Suika Ibuki saunters lazily back onto the shrine grounds, plopping her diminutive body on the porch, she asks Reimu, "Hey Reimu, we're out of alcohol. Do you got any money for more?"

"Get yer own booze. Besides, don't you have an infinite gourd of sake?" Reimu retorts.

"But we need money for the good stuff! Tonight is special. We're all going to Kourindou. Rinnosuke has one of those magic moving picture boxes from the outside world," Suika starts rolling around the porch.

"You mean a television? Fine, go ahead and take, not like there's anything to spend anyway" Reimu flings a small pitiful pouch of change on top of the oni.

"Hey, Reimu, maybe you should come too, we've never seen these TVs or whatever they're called. They sound neat! It'll be educational and entertaining, edutainment!" suggests Marisa.

Later that night at Kourindou, Rinnosuke the half youkai, starts getting ready with a bulky dusty old television at the front of a cramped makeshift theater. A few curious local youkai and humans have gathered and paid their nominal fees for the movie night, ready for the show with drinks and snacks. Reimu and Marisa, however, just barge in by blasting open the shop door, much to his dismay.

"You know, you could knock? And pay up the cheap 350 yen ticket price," the shopkeeper snarks.

"Oh Kourin, you know how tight we are. I think our bond is so much stronger than small pocket change!" Marisa gives her weak rationalization with a wide grin on her face.

"Sigh, just take a seat, the show's starting soon"

While watching a few assorted old films, Reimu notices how mesmerized the crowd is at the TV, how the commercials and news stories move the crowd and everything. At the end of the night, Reimu's resolve has returned. "I've got it! Exactly how I'm going to get more money! Muahahahaha…."

"Um, Reimu, you're freaking me out there… Hey director, can I request a fade out into an eyecatch and commercial break please? " Marisa asks.

The next day Reimu is seen packing lots of equipment to pass through the Border into the outside world. Yukari, devious as ever, teleports in through one of her gaps, "So, what are you up to? Another incident putting the future of Gensokyo on the line?"

"Not this time, I'm going to go to the outside world and find one of those broadcasting company things and ask for donations over the TV, people from all over not just Gensokyo but the world will give me their money!" Reimu schemes.

"Oh… Sounds fun…" Yukari responds.

"What? No secret ace card up your sleeve to thwart everything and send humans like myself into chaos?"

"Nah, I'm just going to take a nap" Yukari gaps out.

Reimu passes through the Border and flies over to the headquarters of Turner Broadcasting. The receptionist is quite confused at the sight of a Japanese shrine maiden as Reimu forces her way in, the other employees letting her have her way while muttering things like, "Who's this chick? I don't get it, is there a convention in town?". "Hm, this must definitely be the place. Hello managers of Turner Broadcasting, I am Reimu Hakurei, of the legendary Hakurei clan, and I request an audience on one of your television programs, the most successful one you have on broadcast. If you decline, I will have no choice but to employ force" As a response, Reimu throws one of her sealing amulets, detonating it.

The managers confer with each other in the rubble.

"Let's just satiate her and she'll probably go away. She's a real pain in the arse, but I don't think she's hostile" one businessman suggests.

"Yeah, she doesn't seem completely evil but what show do we put her on? Everyone's safety is in jeopardy, you saw that explosion, what is she?"

"But she doesn't seem to get how things work around here, let's just dump her on some show nobody gives a crap about and cut our losses. I've got just the show"

"Oh right, 'his' show. We were going to cancel him anyway"

"Well, Miss Hakurei, have we got a deal for you. Tonight you will be a special impromptu guest on 'Space Ghost Coast to Coast' on [adult swim] Be ready to go live at 3 A.M. Our staff will show you to the dressing rooms to prepare" the Turner Broadcasting representative offers.

"I accept. Now would any of you gentlemen like to donate to the Hakurei shrine?" asks a cheery Reimu. However, the managers simply walk away indifferently.

Later that night, Reimu enters the live studio audience as the familiar theme song plays.

"Greetings citizens and welcome to 'Space Ghost Coast to Coast' I am your host, Space Ghost, and my do we have show for you tonight. We've brought the one and only-"

"Yeah, he can't come tonight, he's busy being dead, heh heh" Zorak laughs

"Change of plans Space Ghost, John Stewart was found dead this afternoon from some 'dark cross-dimensional void thing'. Your new guest is Reimu Hakurei from Gensokyo, Japan," replies Moltar.

"Hello Raymoo Hakooray, it's a pleasure to have you on the show tonight, and in person all the way from Japan too!"

"It certainly is, Space Ghost" responds Reimu.

"So, tell us a bit about yourself, Reimu. What do you do for a living?"

"Well, I protect the Great Hakurei Border, which seals all kinds of monstrous youkai and other paranormal freaks inside the mystical wonderland of Gensokyo with my magic. Whenever a youkai attacks, it's my job to put them down or exterminate them"

"Sounds like a full time job, and for someone who's so young too! Like any hero of the super variety, what kind of powers do you have? Like my toned physique and Power Bands, what do you use?"

"I have inherited the long line of Hakurei clan sealing magic and the family's yin-yang orb. And you're right, it is a full time job, which is why I came here tonight"

"This is a surprise, do you have a new book? Or maybe even a documentary?" ponders Space Ghost.

"No, I'm here to get donations for my shrine. So everybody in the audience, I'm passing around a donation box" Reimu orders, threatening the crowd by shooting down some of the light fixtures.

"Hey! You can't solicit on my show like that!" objects Space Ghost.

Reimu sees the audience begrudgingly hand over their money.

"Ohohoho… Getting upstaged by a teenage girl" Zorak taunts.

"Can it, Zorak! Moltar, can we get security in here or something?"

"Negative, she cut off all communications here. And she has this glowing amulet here, it's probably a trap. Space Ghost, tell my wife Linda I lov-" Moltar's last words are cut-off in the explosion turning the screen to pure static.

"That's right, fill it to the brim! You too mantis" Reimu greedily eyes Zorak.

"Wait what? I can't! I uh… Gotta go to the market to buy butter and cheese"

"…"

There is a lull as Zorak's excuse attempts to register with everyone, even him. But Reimu simply shoots Zorak with a volatile yin-yang orb, causing him to explode.

"Guess it's just you and me, mano-a-mano! But how will you be able to hit what you can't see!" Space Ghost disappears in a blink of an eye. Thoroughly frustrated, Reimu opens fire everywhere, missing every time. "Talk about a sight for sore eyes! You could say reading your attacks is transparent" Space Ghost delivers a hurricane of puns as he attempts to blast Reimu himself.

Then closing her eyes, Reimu sends one solid punch behind her, delivering one solid blow to the gut, Space Ghost becomes visible again and completely unconscious "I'm taking you off-air".

Turning to the camera, Reimu addresses the audience, "Please donate to the Hakurei shrine. Our long line of priests and shrine maidens have been protecting the world from magical threats all over, so you'll be doing something really nice if you donate today. Give me as much money as you can by calling the number at the bottom of the screen~ Operators are standing by!"

Suddenly! Busting into the studio is none other than Yuyuko Saigyoji with Youmu Konpaku, the Prismriver sisters, Captain Murasa, and many other ghosts, spirits, and phantoms in tow. "Reimu! You did not just cancel the greatest show on television! You single-handedly ruined a wonderful Netherworld tradition honored by time longer than you've been alive kiddo" Yuyuko shouts with much indignation.

Youmu explains, "What Lady Yuyuko means is sitting down and watching 'Space Ghost' with three buckets of KFC every Saturday night. But it's still the greatest program for ghosts (and other kinds of spirits) everywhere! And we won't let you take that away from our people!"

"We miss Zorak and his band! He was our favorite!" The Prismriver sisters cry in unison.

"Good thing I was prepared for this" Reimu snickers, revealing a switch. A huge magical barrier is erected, shutting the ghosts out of the windows into the air as Reimu flies to the top of the Turner corporate building. "If you want your show back, you'll just have to make your way to the roof. In the meantime, viewers, keep sending in your donations!"

"Yuyuko, you and Youmu take a team to climb the tower. I'll get our secret weapon ready! All hands on deck ye scallywags! Load the cannons! Prepare to lay siege!" Captain Murasa orders. A huge floating ghost ship materializes in the parking lot with Murasa's ghostly crew locking on to destroy the barrier with raw force. Inside the tower, Yuyuko leads an army of ghosts up the stairwells, bursting through the various seals and barriers Reimu set up. All while the employees watch in confusion and terror at the legion of the dead.

Meanwhile in Gensokyo, Marisa is watching the battle on the news with Rinnosuke and a few others that happen to be around in the middle of running errands or lazing about,"This is awesome ze~" she shouts while scarfing down a bag of mushrooms like popcorn.

"I've beaten you before, I'll beat you again and again for ages to come because I'm the main character!" Reimu boasts, welcoming Yuyuko and Youmu in the rooftop studio, but locking the rest of the ghosts out by enchanting the doors with seals. The inner sanctum of the makeshift fortress has cameras rolling everywhere with huge screen displays showing the vast amount of money Reimu has collected from all across the world from each country. Red and white banners with the Hakurei name drape from the ceiling and other décor make the studio resemble that of a strange palace from a facist dictatorship on the battlefield. On one screen is a recording of Reimu's televised threats and demands, goading people into dialing in. Space Ghost is still knocked out and tied up in a nearby chair.

"Save it for someone who cares and shut up!" Youmu draws her swords, shifts into stance, and dashes at Reimu aiming to spear her throat, only to be parried by Reimu with her gohei staff. "Look alive, Reimu! Heh heh, get it? Alive?" Yuyuko attempts to shoot down Reimu with a pink ghostly ray of light, but Reimu takes flight and pins the two down with sealing needles. Now gathering up her energy, Reimu begins chanting to cast Fantasy Heaven while seven yin-yang orbs materialize, lighting up one by one to signal the spell's completion.

Outside, Murasa Minamitsu and her men are slowly burning out their ammunition. "Nothing we try works! We've been unloading full salvo the whole time and we can't put a scratch on that strange shield"

A voice speaks out from behind, "Miss, you're being too reckless. Don't attack with everything at once. The key is to apply pressure, find an opening, and then commit to your strike" The crew stops the constant attack volley and notices the shield start to repair itself, attempting to solidify again, as if it was taking a break from deflecting the high powered magical cannons. "Okay, charge! Full sails ahead" Murasa orders the ship to ram straight into the wall. Merlin plays an appropriate charge fanfare on her trumpet. Like glass, the barrier ruptures. "Thanks stranger!"

Reimu is about to finally cast Fantasy Heaven, the last orb is almost lit when Murasa's ship plows right into the studio, disrupting the spell and freeing Yuyuko and Youmu. The whole army of spirits ready to do battle. "Sorry we're late, ladies. We met an old comrade on our way up". A tall middle-aged swordsman dressed in green and white stands at the bow of the ship. His hair and beard, as pale as his gi. A ghostly wisp floats around his body.

"F-Father?" Youmu exclaims in total shock. It was none other than Youki Konpaku at long last reunited from his long journey with his beloved daughter. "When I heard about the situation, I had no choice but to interrupt my training. Youmu, always remember to cherish your half-phantom heritage. This art represents the pinnacle of our culture! Which is why we must take back Turner Broadcasting and save the show!" Youki shouts with blazing fervor and arms crossed.

"Daaaaaad!"Youmu flies into her dad's arms with a great big hug while the other spirits and manly crew start crying.

"Geez, it's just a two-bit talk show on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim," Reimu scoffs in disbelief.

The whole party stares Reimu down, more than ready to punish every ghost, poltergeist, and phantom in the room when another voice calls out. "Sorry to break up the family reunion, but it's all over now" A gap opens up in the floor, letting none other than Yukari Yakumo in, with a posh confident look of victory all over her face.

"Everything went exactly as I planned. First, I 'accidentally' gave Morichika that television, and Gensokyo finally gets with the times with modern entertainment. From there all I had to do was let Reimu come up with the idea to request donations over TV all on her own. Once she went to the outside world, I just had to give her an opportunity, so I just had to kill that foolish human John whatever-his-face. And while you ghosts were busy waging war with little Reimu, I slipped through those sloppily cast barriers and prepared the final step without interference, my mind control wave. Once everyone watches this broadcast, all of Gensokyo and the outside world will be eating out of my hand, well, more than they already do" Yukari chuckles to herself. High atop on the tower is Yukari's devious device equipped with a dread inducing timer.

"You fiend!" Reimu shouts.

"How could you?" Yuyuko pleads.

"Such boring responses. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go welcome a new world order in a mere ninety seconds" Yukari nonchalantly mentions.

"MAKE WAY FOR THE STRONGEST!" shouts a familiar fairy.

It was none other than Cirno, who somehow sneaked in through all the chaos. "Wowee! Look at this cool blinking thingy at the top of the tower, I bet if I use this I can tell the whole world how strong I am!"

"No! Don't touch that, you idiot! If you meddle with the settings-" Yukari exclaims with a certain seriousness that she almost never displays.

While mashing the buttons on the hypnosis broadcaster mindlessly, Cirno utters "'Hi mai nayme iz cirno my favrite colore iz bloo & eye liek frezzing frawgs eye am t3h strongest in all gensokyo maybee da wurld 2′ There! Enter!"

At that, everyone's face turns pale as the timer on the hypnosis wave hits zero. A large wave shoots out affecting everyone in televisions worldwide, in and out of Gensokyo. Nobody is exempt from the wave thanks to Cirno's accidental rewrite. The whole world plunges into idiocy, possibly more idiotic than Cirno. "Durr hi, eye'm Raymoo and eye liek fighting cuz its fun 'cept when eye loose cuz thats no fun durr hurr" Others simply vegetate as mindless drones from Cirno's stupidity wave.


End file.
